Sunday, February 9, 2014

Suicide Awareness: T. Holmes: A Mother's Words

The following is not about me or about anything I have gone through. This is Diane and Tylor, and their family's story. It is about suicide and it's purpose is to raise awareness about suicide and The T. Holmes Foundation. If you want to learn more about this foundation, please visit them at . You can also like the foundation on facebook . The T. Holmes Foundation is trying to extend Tylor's journey, because as you will read he loved to travel. They are doing this by sending out his picture and asking that the host family's take Tylor along with them and to take his picture at various places you go. That way he can see more of this world. If you are interested in doing this, please contact Diane for more details. Please only inquire to this if you are serious and plan to take this seriously. Please, if you are going to comment on this post be respectful as these are real lives we are talking about. If you feel compelled to share this, please do. If you feel compelled to write your own blog post or share this information in order to raise awareness for suicide awareness or The T. Holmes Foundation, please do so. And please always remember: Suicide is a PERMANENT SOLUTION to a TEMPORARY PROBLEM! There are people out there willing to help and there is always someone willing to listen. If you, or someone you know are in trouble, reach out for help, don't stay silent. 1-800-273-8255 is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (in the US). There are other ways to get help as well.

Richard "Tylor" Paul Holmes
12/11/1989 - 07/08/2012

Tylor’s story as told by his Mother
A Mother’s Words:
I would have never imagined that my life would have been hit by such a tragedy like it has. Yeah, sure I heard and knew about suicide. I lost some friends, classmates and even acquaintances to suicide. But never, ever would have thought that I would lose my own child, my son Tylor, my beautiful boy, to suicide. It still shocks me now saying it out loud. My son who loved life, who was so loving, so compassionate, so kind, caring, gentle and giving, gone and lost to suicide. So here I stand before you, no notes, no cue cards, no speech, I come speaking from the heart. Sharing and speaking from the heart to me is more important. I am also standing here in front of all of you in plain clothes, as you can see. I come, just as me, a Mom who lost her son July 8th 2012 to suicide. I’m not a professional. I’m not a doctor, a therapist or a counselor. I’m just a Mom with a broken heart who wants to share my son’s story and mine to hopefully save another child and another mother from having this devastating thing called suicide touch their family.

I know you all just watched the video “Meet Tylor” (posted above). I watched as you all sat there in silence then hearing some of the gasps at the end; that is why I start our presentations with the video. Seeing the video, gives you a chance to take a very small peak into Tylor’s life. As you saw in the video, Tylor was always and I mean always smiling. He had a smile that made others smile. His large, deep set dimples made the girls and the ladies turn around and drop their jaw and smile. And yes, everyone wanted dimples like his.  His dimples were so gorgeous. His eyes: big, brown and so full of life. You could look into his eyes and be captured by them as if they were telling a story of their own. Oh my and those eye lashes: super long and curled up perfect. Do you know how many times I was questioned about those eye lashes? Numerous times. I was asked if I put anything on them to make them so long or if I used an eye lash curler on his eye lashes. I would laugh and say no and think to myself how I didn't even know how to use one of those eye lash curler things. Lucky for Tylor those three features never changed.

Tylor was my second born child. He is number 2 out of 5 boys. He was my little man from the time, well he was little. I use to say he was an old man souls trapped in a little boy’s body. He was always just so mature for his age. He was always so responsible for his age and he had his quirks with cleaning and being such a perfectionist.  As he grew up not much changed other than the normal maturing of the body and well let me tell you that took on a whole new Tylor in a sense. At 14, Tylor took on his first job and has worked ever since then. He worked hard, studied hard and well pretty much accomplished whatever it was that he set out to do. In fact, I don’t think there was anything he didn't do to almost perfection. Tylor loved and enjoyed his sessions at the gym. I guess you could tell he was obsessed with his biceps and often kissed them as you saw in the video.  Boy I don’t think a day passed by that he didn’t flex his arms in front of me. How I miss it now. He ate right because he had to keep those muscles in tip top shape and the body looking good for the ladies.

Now what sticks out in my mind most about Tylor is this. Tylor loved life. He loved his family, being with his family. He loved being with his friends. And let me tell you, what a circle of friends he had. He had a circle of close friends that to this day even in his passing are still around. Some have been lifelong friends and that amazes me as to how blessed he truly was. When I say Tylor loved life I mean it. He was always so happy, so active and so busy. He loved football and basketball. When he played both sports he wore a numbered uniform and wore it proudly. His number was 34. That is why you see the number 34 attached to the foundation. It was not only his number but it was also his Dad’s and even his younger brother Ryan’s.  I can say this, one year I signed Tylor up for baseball and well let’s just say he HATED IT! But other than that he really loved everything about day to day life. Tylor was your normal guy hanging out with friends, going out, playing sports, watching movies, dating and all the other things that comes with being a young man. He traveled and never feared not knowing exactly where he was going. He just went for it and had a blast while doing so. Like I said, he was always on the go. Between school, work and his social life he was moving and moving with a smile.

I want to share a secret with you all. Tylor and I were very close. I know this probably sounds wrong but Tylor was my rock, he always made me feel safe and content and just at ease. There was something about him that not only did this to me but to others as well. Our relationship was a tad different from many other mothers and sons. Tylor and I could pretty much talk about anything…there were a few things we just didn't share of course. But not too many Moms can say they worked at two jobs with their son. I did that. Tylor and I both worked at a vet’s office. I got him the job at the vet and then when I needed a job he got the job for me working with him at an assisted living facility. I got to see my son in a whole new light working with him. I got to watch my child, grow and show himself as a mature, responsible adult. What a blessing that was to see my child in that way. Oh my memories can go on and on and on and there are more happy memories then bad ones.  I could go on and share more with you but I’m sure you get the general idea. One thing I want to mention, though Tylor and I were close we did of course have our moments. No one is perfect, not him or me, so it wasn't always fresh as roses and squeaky clean. But for the most part my memories of my child are filled with nothing but love, good times and honored and blessed to have been given those 22 years with him.

Before I go on to the next parts, I want to just touch base with you all on something that sticks out in my mind the most with Tylor. Like I said earlier Tylor was child number 2 he had 3 younger brothers. He was such a good big brother. He watched his brothers for me often when I worked. He taxied them around when I refused and he often told them: “Be a leader not a follower.  Get an education and be somebody!” Oh how those words said a bunch of times stick out in my mind. Sad thing is his brothers don’t remember them being said as much as I do. Then his other phrase….oh dear…often he would walk up to me and say “Yo, get this Mom.”  And “Yo, check this out.” Funny thing is I can remember him going up to his dad and saying pretty much the same thing but not so much in a respectful way. “Yo, get this shit Dad.” Or “Yo, check this shit out.” Oh my goodness…..the memories. I’m not sure if you all noticed but our wrist bands say T. Holmes Foundation and on the others side of the band is says “Yo, get this…” When it came time to order our wristbands it only took me a brief moment to know what I was going to put on it. I found it to be so fitting with the foundation. I saw in my vision, Yo, get this…..suicide awareness. 


Now on to the TWO loves of Tylor’s life. I’m going to start this portion of his life with his baby Rosa. Rosa was Tylor’s baby. Rosa… A 2007 R1, motorcycle given to him by his Dad as a graduation present. My worst nightmare in a sense, I wanted to strangle his father.  But boy was Rosa his baby. Tylor had a love for riding since he was young. Probably the first time his Dad sat him on a bike he was at the age of, oh maybe, 3. Rosa is a beauty; she is red with gold trim wheels. She had to measure up to Iron Man and she proudly wore and Iron Man decal on the windshield. Rosa, I guess you call it, shoots flames when she is revved up. She was Tylor’s joy! He loved riding her with his crew. He had a fairly large group of friends that loved the feel of the open road given to them by motorcycles. And that love for riding and for Tylor just happens to pass into his passing with a tribute at his viewing. I will get into more of that later.

Tylor’s second love was his girlfriend. Now I have to be honest with you, this part of the presentation is hard on me and soon you will understand why. But I want you to all know, I will not say her name out loud and though the circumstances that lead to my child’s passing I do hold her partly responsible for, as I do myself. I want you to know I do not hate her or hold ill will towards her. Ultimately this was my son’s decision, his choice and though it is one I do not agree with I love him unconditionally enough to accept his choice and not to hold hate or anger in my heart. I ask that you all do that as well and please do not judge her.

I believe it was in 2009 when Tylor meant his girlfriend. I have to be honest here, I can’t lie, at first I did not care for her. I can remember standing in my kitchen saying to him a few months into their relationship, “She is going to be your down fall”. Oh how I regret saying those words because I would have never thought it would be to this extreme. Anyway, the longer they were together the more I have to say I grew to accept her. She spent many a nights with us, holidays and everything; she did become part of the family. One year soon turned into two years and then three years and then….my son’s passing. I have to say another thing before I go on. Before my son’s passing I had no back bone, I couldn't stand up for myself and I never spoke out of turn for fear. Well let me tell ya that has changed and if I am going to share our stories I am not going to hold anything back or sugar coat anything to make it acceptable in anyone’s eyes.  After I guess three years plus, my son’s girlfriend was cheating on him and he found out. My son did everything for this girl,  he went well above and beyond what a boyfriend would or should do. So you have to know how devastated Tylor was to hear the love of his life was cheating on him. How did I hear about this? After my son’s first attempted at taking his life in his bedroom with all us around him, which thankfully was unsuccessful. That is how we found out. In those moments in his room well crying and devastated, he blamed his desire to end his life b/c of stress, being overwhelmed and while looking at her. Well needless to say they broke up, went their separate ways. We followed instructions on precautions and signs of a possible attempt and we kept the lines of communication opened and showed our son more support than ever. What broke my heart about all this was, after they separated for a few weeks, my son came to me one day and told me and said “Mom she cheated on me with a nothing. He doesn't go to school, he works part time.  I work hard I have a job my internship and I go to college. I did everything for her and she never went without.  It’s a slap in my face.” I was heart broken and, yes, angry. After a few weeks have passed, Tylor was back to his old self. He started going out, working out more again and having fun. The end of June, she came back into the picture. Let me tell you, the anger I had seeing this girl in my house again was, phew, too much. I told Tylor over and over again I don’t care if you two are talking again or whatever, just don’t bring her back into my home. Go slow, take your time and start off as just friends. He got angry with me and barley spoke to me that week before his death. If only I know now what was going to happen I would have forced more conversation with my son. It lasted a whole freaking week, one whole week before she tore my child to pieces once again! The weekend surrounding his passing, Tylor told me he was so over her and he was done with her, that he couldn't do it anymore. He said she only wants me for my money and what I can do for her and I can’t be that person anymore. He then proceeded to tell me that while he was out riding his bike he rode up aside of her at a light and saw the other guy in her car. He was crushed but then filled with rage because she introduced Tylor to the other as her “FRIEND”. I let Tylor say what he had to say and then we talked. Sometime later he came to me again angrier then I have seen him in a while. He told me that someone slashed her tires and her Dad or step dad was accusing him of doing it and they began starting with him. “Mom why would I want to slash her tires when it would be me being the one to pay for them.” I got him to calm down and we talked some more. He told me all he wanted to do was get his laptop back from her and move on and maybe move to Kutztown where he was suppose to start his senior year in August.

Sunday July 8th, I got up and it was a normal morning but for me a lazy one for some reason. I was sitting on my couch on my laptop when Tylor came down the stairs. I looked at him stunned and asked him why he wasn't at work. He smiled at me and said very happily I called off I don’t really need that job anymore I don’t have the added expense anymore. We both laughed and he headed out the front door. I asked him where he was going and he said the gym. He came back a short while later and went upstairs to his room. Came down again and headed out. Being the over protective Mom and the one who worried, I asked again, “Where ya going?” He smiled and said “I’m fine Mom, I’ll be right back.” He did come back like an hour or so later. He came back and shocked the heck out of me. He was holding take out bag of food from McDonald’s. Again me being Mom and a shocked Mom I asked him what the heck are you doing eating that. Remember he never ate junk food; he had to focus on his body. He gave me his shit ass grin (as I call it) and said “I was hungry” I laughed and was like okay whatever and I went back to what I was doing.  Then his Dad came. I was on my couch his Dad at the dining room table along with Tylor and his other brothers and his dad made the comment of “Look at that, my boys are here and we are all sitting her together.” He was the father of the last four boys so that is what he was referring too. Soon Tylor got up and plopped himself on the other couch next to me and watched some TV as we all talked and laughed. Next thing we know Tylor’s phone must have gone off and then he got up and said he would be right back. Yep you guessed it; I asked where he was going. He said again I’ll be right back. That was about 12:50. At 1:45 I believe it was, I got a text along with his Dad from Tylor. “Please come pick me up I’m at girlfriends.” We both looked at each other and jumped. As we walked outside our minds were going that her Dad and brother jumped him. As we walked outside Tylor’s younger brother pulled up with his Dad truck and asked what was going on. We told him and he said he was coming to. The girlfriend lives like 2 miles from our house and basically a straight drive. The whole time I was on pins and needles. As we got a block away, not even, we caught the light (traffic light). As we sat there I watched a very large truck go by when I heard a loud bang. As we went through the light and moved forward, I don’t know how my son saw but he started screaming Tylor’s bleeding. He frantically jumped out of our moving truck on a busy two way street and made his way to his brother’s car. He came running back screaming “Tylor has blood all over his hands I can’t see where it is coming from!” I then jumped out of the car before it could be stopped or parked and ran over to my son’s car. I swung open the door and Tylor looked at me, a gasp of shock coming from him as he saw me, then he looked down and my eyes followed. I screamed over to his Dad “Call 911 he shot himself!” His dad, who is a police officer, came running over and pushed me out of the way. My son, Randy, frantically ran all over, screaming and banging on doors, trying to get anyone to open up and help with towels and calling 911 but not one door opened. No one stopped and sadly the same response came from the girlfriend’s house. Randy's screams and cries for help seemed to fall on deaf ears. As I was pushed out of the way and I was already in the process of calling 911 when Tylor’s Dad took over and my son still ran up and down the street. Finally as I spoke to the 911 operator, a passerby stopped to help, a wonderful woman, who I sadly cannot remember her name or find her info that she gave me as we all left the scene. She climbed into the car with his Dad and I was on the phone with 911 when another woman came running down the block from a totally different block offering her help. This was a different block this woman came from. This means that someone did hear Randy's screams for help, they didn't fall on deaf ears after all! As she, this woman from a different block, opened my son’s passenger door, his dad and the other woman laid my son’s seat back. That was when it happened. As they laid his seat back my son’s head rolled to the right side, I was standing on the passenger side of the car by the back seat window talking to 911, our eyes meant. We looked at each other for a matter of a few seconds and he left, he was gone. I saw the life leave my son's eyes at that moment.  I told the 911 operator that my son just passed and he tried to reassure me just the opposite and that the EMT’s would be there in a matter of seconds, which they were. As they approached, low and behold the girlfriend comes out and running over to the car screaming. Needless to say, his Dad took his hand off his son’s chest where he was holding the wounds and swung his hand around slamming it on the hood of my son’s car, denting it! She stopped dead in her tracks and fell to the ground. They whisked my son away and I knew in my heart he was no longer with us.

We drove to the hospital my son and the girlfriend’s brother. I called my Mom who was meeting us at the hospital and then I called our dear friend Jenn, who just went through the loss of her husband at the age of 35 suddenly 10 months prior, told her what had happened and she was on her way.  I was touched by her love and support for us during our time of need. When we got to the hospital they took us to that dreaded hated room where you know you usually never get good news. I couldn't sit in there and wait I had to get out. As we walked outside, to my amazement, people started arriving at the ER. Hello social media! Somehow his incident was already Facebook; and it was also on Facebook that Tylor had passed. So many people came to the ER that they had to escort us up to a different part of the hospital to handle the amount of people that came to see how my child was. When I say a lot, I mean a lot of people showed up. Time seemed to stop for me, it was standing still and it was taking so damn long to give me the news that I knew was coming. It came 2 hours later. My son’s gunshot wound to the chest claimed his life. They tried everything and you know blah blah blah. I turned to his Dad and my Mom and said instantly I want Tylor home. He is coming home. We all nodded and agreed. The hospital then did something that amazed me, they allowed everyone to walk through and say goodbye to my son. We were the first to see my baby and it broke my heart to see him laying there. The moment I saw him, part of me died too. I took his necklace off of him, against their (hospital staff) wishes, and put out it around my neck where it still hangs today. As we paid our respects to my son, I heard a nurse say to me, we will need to talk to you when you are done. I looked up at her and said yes. She said you know what we want to ask and I said yes. YES! I want to donate his organs or whatever he can. Within minutes I was on the phone talking to the Gift Of Life Program giving my consent and making arrangements. Having my son come home and allowing his organs to help another’s is what I know my son would have wanted.  After all was said and done and the last group of family and friends to say goodbye we were allowed a few more minutes with my son. His beautiful eyes were covered in wet gauze and I knew why. In a few hours his corneas would be donated for sure. I stood on my tip toes removed the gauze as the nurse came to me and went to stop me, I leaned in and down and kissed both my son’s opened eyes and whispered, “I was the first set of eyes you saw when you were born, I was the last set of eyes you saw when you left me and one day just maybe you will see me again. You may not recognize me but you will know deep within.” I laid the gauze back over his eyes and we left.

Walking out of that hospital, I left the old me and walked out not knowing who I was, what I was about, what to do, where to go and how was I going to get through this. The pain was horrendous. My heart was not only broken it was shattered into a million tiny sharp shards. I wanted my baby back and I wanted him now. I have never felt such pain before; crippling, gut twisting, breath stealing pain. No parent is supposed to bury a child, let alone bury a child due to suicide. I don’t remember the car ride home. I don’t even remember to this day who drove me home. We come home and my house is filled with people. I didn't find comfort in it but I did find it kept me busy and kept me from falling apart. I stayed awake that night, unable to sleep. I did Tylor’s laundry instead. I was shocked he had laundry and knew if it wasn't done he would be pissed because he was such a neat freak. 

The next day, I somehow drove to work. I don’t remember anything until I got there and was sent home. My co-workers were told to take me home. One was to drive me and the other to drive my car. When we walked out of the office I saw them and I screamed OH MY GOD. My co-workers looked at me as if I were losing it and said, “What?” I said, “Look at the dragonflies! The big one and the little one!” They saw and said, “So.” I said, “That’s my stepdad and now Tylor.” If there was a way for Tylor to give me a sign it would be that. They both looked at me so I told them why I felt that way. In May and June Tylor took me twice to go get a dragonfly tattoo. After my step dad died I kept seeing a dragonfly. Every time I did, it made me think of him. I then looked into the meaning of a dragonfly. They are the highest insect on the totem pole; they represent change, wisdom and love. They say a dragonfly has an extra long body and extra wings do they can carry angels down from heaven. Guess what? The dragonflies followed us home and every day after that we had a dragonfly. Funny thing is, my sister in law came that Monday, the day after and she would not get out of her car because of the dragonfly. Needless to say, everyone had so many accounts with a dragonfly that summer and I finally got my tattoo.

Tylor’s viewing day came; I don’t remember much of it other than the motorcycle tribute. Amazing and beautiful to see his buddies lead by his brother, Randy who took over Tylor’s bike pull up and do their thing. Amazing and beautiful that it made me almost pass out. I was caught before hitting the ground by De’Jour, Tylor’s friend. Tylor’s viewing was amazing. So many people showed up. The funeral director said he never saw this many people at a viewing in all his years of business.  People just kept coming. Where they came from? You got me. When I told you all, my son had a huge friend base, well I wasn't lying. And just think, the place where he worked didn't close their second shift. Oh my, if they would have. The mayor of our hometown came to his viewing along with many police officers and constables to support his father. It was just amazing the amount of people and the love they showed for my son. The “crew” as I call them, did an amazing motorcycle exit as well. I was so touched by my son’s organizing that I should have known it would be great because the afternoon Tylor passed my son Randy said he wanted to do a motorcycle ride tribute to Tylor and call it “The Last Ride”.Randy planned and organized the motorcycle tribute. We instantly began planning the T. Holmes, The Last Ride which we held in August.

Now let me fast forward a little bit. As the days passed since Tylor’s passing I was a mess. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I lost a lot of weight and I was not sure what to do. Then out of nowhere it was as if Tylor jumped into me, I knew I had to do something. We tossed around the idea of a trust fund being set up, it didn't seem right. For months I couldn't decide what I wanted to do to honor Tylor. I just knew that if I didn't do something to honor him and help me with my grief, my grief could possibly get the best of me and that wasn't fair to my boys to be here with me. Everyone, though, was on the same page. We had to somehow do the impossible and take our negative situation and somehow make it a positive. On Black Friday I asked Tylor what I could do to make it through the holidays and that was when we came up with what we called A Dragonfly Christmas Card Collection in Honor of Tylor Holmes. Tylor worked with the elderly and spent many holidays with them, so what a better way to honor him. We started with wanting to collect 200 cards for his old work place and his aunt’s work place and it ended up being so much more. We ended up collecting over 2,400 holiday cards for numerous nursing homes in our area. We collected 56 pairs of socks for seniors. We also adopted two women’s shelters, all women and children were adopted and it went better then we could have ever dreamed.  A few months later the T. Holmes Foundation was founded. And guess what? We had our second ride, T. Holmes, The Last Ride Continues and it went well again. Not as great as the first because that one was just amazing, the outcome of bikes and cars and people! And we hosted our second annual holiday event, this year with our new name, The T. Holmes Helping Hands. We, again, collected over 2,600 holiday cards, over 125 pairs of socks for seniors and five nursing homes also received a huge wash basket gift bag from us. We adopted another woman’s shelter and once again getting every mom and child adopted and we took on another place where every man and woman was adopted!!! I can only hope and pray we can continue to do more for those in need and those who feel alone and left behind.

Now I am going to tread backwards for a minute. Remember I said I donated Tylor’s organs. Well let me tell you they took so much. Veins, arteries, muscle, skin bone. Wow medicine amazes me. My son donated generously and many benefitted from his gift and I couldn't be happier. I even received a Thank You card from one recipient family in March of 2013. That was the most touching thing I think I have experienced in all this. Why do I say that? I say that because hearing someone benefitted from my son and is flourishing makes me delighted.  In Jan 2014 I received another letter from a recipient thanking us for helping them as well. I hope and pray more letters come in the future. It hasn't been an easy road to travel for me. Now you’ are going to hear just a tad of what I experienced losing my son. I lost my job a month later. I don't blame them no hard feelings it is what it is and I was not ready to go back. I myself suffer from depression and anxiety and now I suffer from post traumatic syndrome. That bang I heard was Tylor pulling the trigger; it wasn't the truck hitting a pothole. Within days my friends began to fade. Sure, I understand they don’t know what to say but I am still me to a sense and hi or what’s up works fine when it comes from a friends. My world was turned upside down and I was left with an empty house it felt like. I lost my son and, well in a sense, I lost his girlfriend as well. For over three years she was a staple in our daily lives and now no matter how mad and hurt I was, she too was no longer there. I lost my job, all my friends but one and life was hard. People didn’t want to talk about my child but I did. He lived, he breathed he was here. Not being willing to talk about him made me mad as hell. Just because he died by suicide, that little fact did not change who he was! And honestly the reaction from others is what helped me in starting the T. Holmes Foundation. I not only wanted to spread suicide awareness and prevention but I wanted to be able to be there for those who lost a loved one to suicide. I want to be able to show them compassion, understanding support, a hug, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and if the time comes and if we are able, I want to help with financial needs if there were some and I know there will be needs. Sadly, but thankfully Tylor’s funeral viewing services were covered by generous donations made by family friends and even strangers!! Strangers helped pay for my son’s viewing and his cremation. How could I not pay it forward and do the same for those in need, even if it is for those services.

What I hope to have left you all with after hearing me speak for over an hour is this. Suicide is not an answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and no matter what life is worth embracing and chasing your dreams. I know you do not believe it but you will bounce back from whatever it is that has you so upset, bothered or wanting to take your life (we bounce balls out of nowhere and the kids charge for them). I want you to listen to this fact. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide. Every 41 seconds that leaves loved ones wondering why.Suicide affects everyone! And the effects will last a lifetime to those left behind.  I lost my son to suicide. It broke me and broke my family but with his love and undying love we have survived. We are suicide loss survivors. It isn’t a pleasant label, it is a fact and what I wouldn't do to go back in time and change that…oh man you just have no clue. But since it is a fact and a fact of my new life, I will do whatever I can to promote suicide awareness, share our story and offer love and support to those now living my life. If I can save one life or 20 or a hundred, my son did not die in vain. If you leave here a little wiser, a little smarter, and with a little more compassion when it comes to suicide and suicide awareness then I am honored. If you walk out of here with that and more understanding and compassion to those left behind, my pain eases some. If you are feelings stressed, depressed, hopeless or suicidal please reach out! Talk! My son was stressed, he was heart broken and hurting and he didn't let us know how deep those feelings went. So please don't hesitate to reach out to someone or make that call if you need someone to talk to. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  Allow your family to love you until you get old. Life will get better! Trust, Believe and keep the Faith! Live life!

If you want to help spread suicide awareness and prevention along with understanding and compassion to those left behind by suicide loss, please join the T. Holmes Foundation. We are always looking for supporters, sponsors, donations, events and staff to help us change the stigma still attached to the word suicide.   We are also hosting a suicide awareness event called Tylor’s Continued Journey so please check us out and let’s begin to safe lives.

Here are our links:,, And

Here is Tylor’s suicide note he wrote while he waited.
To my friends and family: I am deeply sorry. I cannot put up with all the stress anymore, it’s just too much. I’m trying to do right and work my butt off and perform well in school and still maintain a social life, it’s just too much.'Girlfriend', you hurt me so bad I cannot get over this pain. I've been trying to for weeks now but just can't deal with it. 3 years down the drain it feels like. I don't understand how you can fall out of love so quickly, after all we have been through and dealing with, the decisions that we've made that have affected our whole lives and future!

I really love you all with all my heart and I’m sorry things had to end like this but I can’t go on with the stress anymore it hurts so much.

My parents did an excellent job raising me. I really had a good head on my shoulders but it is just too much stress on my plate, I’m sorry. This is not anyone’s fault but my own. Until the day we meet again I want all of you to take care and love each other. Remember you only live once so live it up while you can.

I’m sorry Reuben I love you. Def my brother from another mother! I'm so sorry 'Girlfriend'. I love you so much with every inch of my body and soul. Ryan, Randy, Reece continue to shine in everything you do! Don’t cry too much instead celebrate my life! Dad, take all my griefs to the basement and show them a good time! Read the note on my computer chair.

Last words:
In addition to the finial suicide note that Tylor left behind, he sent a text to 'Girlfriend' while sitting in that car. This text was timestamped about 40 minutes prior to Tylor pulling that trigger. No one actually knows what the Girlfriend was thinking. Maybe she thought he was kidding or wasn't serious, no one truly knows. The reason we have decided to share this with you is because when someone says they are going to take their own life or shows you an image such as the one that follows, please take them seriously, especially if they aren't the kind to constantly make idle threats about this. These people are reaching out for help and they need the help immediately! The message was simple: 

"Really wanted to end on good terms. I'm sorry 'Girlfriend'. I did love u. I wish u would believe me. I did not mess with your car. I'm sorry for the way things happened. I'll miss you and love you forever."

*Thank you for reading about Tylor's story and the T. Holmes foundation. If this has touched just one person's heart, changed one person's life, made one person reach out instead of taking their own life then this has done it's job.  Suicide is a PERMANENT SOLUTION to a TEMPORARY PROBLEM!*
This image was found on google images


  1. Thanks Jo for bringing to the forefront--the information is vital for all the story is crushing and it brings me to tears,but not until I thank you for this information, because it happens. And it happens to people we love and know.

    1. Thank you Dianna for taking the time to read Tylor's (and Diane's story). It is a very sad story and I couldn't imagine living it myself. The subject seems to be taboo but how are we to raise awareness if we can't talk openly about it? My hope in publishing this post is to raise awareness and help people understand what goes on from the family's point of view; before, during, and after the fact. There is nothing that we can do to "save" Tylor, to bring him back, but if we could just make a difference in someone's life, have someone think twice before taking their own life, make someone see it's okay to reach out and ask for help, or to have someone's cry be heard and save a life then all this post was worth it.

  2. Loss of life is tragic - especially when so young. I applaud your efforts to bring awareness to others. Sometimes, it's just a look, or a touch that can make all the difference. My life was, although somewhat distantly, touched by a suicide. I stumbled across this post while trying to "understand". My heart breaks for all of those involved. Under the cover of raising awareness, you posted his suicide note. You must ask yourself if your son would be proud of you for posting his private thoughts to you and your family and to his girlfriend for the world to see and judge? I can't think of a single way that posting this information publicly can help anyone at all - it can only deepen the pain for those that love him and those that he loved. It's important for you to tell your story. But you must tell it with compassion and caring. With a purpose that serves others. As I read this post - apparently near the anniversary of his death - all I sense is your pain and your underlying blame. Please consider editing your post to remove the parts that detract from your cause. Honor your son in this way. With suicide - no one is to blame. Period. The point to get across to the public is that there is no hurt, no pain, no situation that can't be handled and dealt with in a way other than taking your own life. That the overwhelming emotions can eventually be comforted. That the suffering that suicide causes is widespread and everlasting. You relay the story as if it was the Girlfriends actions or her responsibility to be outside to stop him in some way. But if it were my daughter, my sister, my friend or myself - and I saw or even thought that they may be a gun involved - I would fear for their/my life as well. It sounds like you raised a wonderful, loving and hard working young man who was passionate. He apparently felt deeply but was unable to convey his innermost thoughts in a way that would have prompted the help he needed. But your message is tainted with blame - completely defeating it's purpose. I beg that you search to find peace within yourself so that your message can truly be heard and can help others find the peace they also desperately need.

    1. Hi! First, let me thank you for taking the time to read this post. This post is not my personal experience but it is the experience of my friends. I don't plan on editing this post in any way. This post took a lot of thought and editing to get it to this point. Tylor's mom wanted to include the note so I did. More often than not we tiptoe around this subject as if it were taboo but if any part of this post can help someone in any way then it has served its purpose. Tylor was a good hearted man who loved to help others and I feel if I did not share the whole story then this post may not serve it's purpose as well as it could.
      Everyone always wonders why or how someone comes to the point of taking their own life. In Tylor's last effort to help others he told us what goes through someone's kind right before. And, yes, I feel he left the note to help others. Help others understand that if you thought process got that far to seek help immediately. To help family and friends of those who went through the act of suicide understand what and why.
      As far as it being "tainted" with blame. I don't think so. I think that whenever a loved one commits suicide there is always a level of blame. And that is part of the healing process. These are the thoughts and feelings of his mom and I will not edit those either.
      Tylor had received help. His behaviors had prompted his family to get him help. To assume that he hadn't reached out is completely wrong. And the girlfriend did not know there was a gun. No one, but Tylor did. That was something that definitely was not in his character. And no one is placing blame on the girlfriend.

      The main objective of this post is to relay that if you are thinking suicidal thoughts to please seek help, be honest with those you seek help from, if you not feeling better, please don't say you are. Stick with that help as long as it's needed even if it's needed until your old and grey. It doesn't make you weak to ask for help. It actually shows that your strong enough to know that you need to reach out. This post is also to help those grieving to understand they are not alone. If I did not post the whole story and all Diane wanted to be known, because it may be taboo, then is it really helping every one that it can?

      I will pass your thoughts along to her. And I do truly thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I love reading all of my comments, but at this time there will be no edits



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